... 03/29/2006 ...

I started my painting, The GHOSTS of SELF LOATHING ([link]) in April 2004. Put it down, and never touched it again until the day I picked it up and finished it in March 2006.

The first part that I painted 23 months previously was the central figure. I immediately thought that this figure was a "CRY BABY". So, whenever I noticed the canvas in my studio, I thought, “Oh, it’s the CryBaby.”

My habit is to work on many canvases and ideas simultaneously. I work with up to 10 canvases always. My walls covered with sketches, drawings notes and ideas. Canvases are everywhere on the walls in many stages of completion. They are stacked on the floor and piled up against the walls. Eventually, they all will be completed. (Except the ones that exist unfinished beyond my death I suppose)

So one day, I spotted CryBaby, picked it up and I saw what it was! It was still the CryBaby, but now I saw why CryBaby was crying. It hated itself!

Then I knew it would have a second name. That second name eventually became; “The Ghosts of Self Loathing".

In the beginning The tears were soft white translucents. I looked deeper and saw that they were alive and wriggling. They were not alive like the things of Earth are alive. They were spirits, or ghosts. And they were crying too! These are tears that are crying! … Why?

The “CRYING TEARS” are the materialization of the affliction of self hate that dominates CryBaby. This affliction is peculiar to societies that base personal self esteem upon shallow values, and impossible visions of perfection.

The disease of self hate is spread by the TV sets, Movies, computers, ipods, telephones, radios. All devises of communication, including the human mouth. The constant bombardment of the unachievable message that we all must achieve this impossible perfection! (Become rich, beautiful, sexy, intelligent, witty, powerful with huge genitalia and big expensive homes and cars.)

This “perfection” is an absurd invention of the corporate money machines, (The TRUE US Government) They have created a ‘reality of un-reality’ in order to control you. These are the heartless and faithless corporations who believe the purpose of man is to dominate without prejudice. They are “Out of Whack” with the universe. You may work for one.

Then came the black cloud in the upper right corner. This cloud personifies the media blitz that rains down the dark propaganda that turns individuals into automatons.

These raindrops are the subliminal messages from the psychic vampires who rule our lives and dictate our destinies. These black raindrops feed on your weaknesses.

The snake is the lies we are told that makes us doubt ourselves. The fire he spits is the fire that burns our minds and distracts our thoughts.

The insect represents the man who sees and knows but does nothing. He is too afraid to speak. He believes the hype and may himself eventually contract the disease of self hatred.

Many young people see the truth, but soon forget. They are hypnotized early, in formative years, by the temptations of this dark un-reality, and soon play a part in the tragedy.

As the painting subtly shows, it’s a deadly circle. And the devils disguised as men, who send you off to die for them in a hot and dusty hell, fly the world with jets like Gods. Our flesh is their fuel, our souls their trivial jest.

The Ghosts of Self loathing cause minds to be wasted, beauty to dress itself in ugliness and lives to cease to live. ~ end